Finding a REAL solution

At one of my hypnotherapy sessions, my therapist could see that I was struggling to cope and he gave me a card for Terri Bowman and mentioned that she had an amazing gift and that he trusted her with his life and maybe I should give her a call. I took the card and went home.

At home I pondered what my therapist had said and sat holding the card for awhile. Eventually I figured I had nothing to loose and called. This call turned out to be my saviour. Terri's amazing gift enables her to heal our bodies in a way no other medicine can. Her ability to work in the quantum world and heal the physical body is miraculous.

Today I feel the best I have ever felt. Emotionally, I am stronger than ever and the things that use to cause me to be overwhelmed and unhappy are no longer an issue. It is the most amazing feeling to actually feel alive and want to live, rather than just go through the motions of life and miss the beauty. I cannot recommend Terri's work enough, she is a truly beautiful person.

Information on her work can be found at http://www.transformational-wellness.com/

Being Depressed

Every day, I was just going through the motions. Doing what I had to do for my kids and that was about it. I was constantly tired, grumpy, on-edge, unhappy and really quite horrible to be around. I yelled at my kids most of the day because they would not leave me alone and I just wanted to hide under a rock and never come out again. I was in HUGE inner turmoil and really unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but I perservered, as difficult as it was. I didnt have a choice, I had 2 children who needed me more than I needed myself and I guess I just gave in to this and just went through the motions of caring for my children and not much else.

My distorted sense of reality

My emotional state was starting to crumble again and I was finding it hard to see the positives in life. I felt really overwhelmed by my life and children and focused on all the negative things in my life at the time, which really weren't even a truth, but they were my reality. My husband tried all sorts of things to try and get me to focus on what was great in my life, and I tried doing this, but I would always end up feeling unhappy. I started to feel like I didnt belong here, that everyone around me would be better off if I wasnt here. I was starting to tip over the edge.

I felt like the world was out to get me, but I couldnt understand why. I was thinking all the time, why me, why is this happening to me, why do I feel like crap, why is my life so miserable when everyone around me is happy. Why are my children so needy, why cant I give them what they want? Why can't everyone just leave me alone!

Recovery from MRSA

It wasnt until I got back home that it really sunk in how lucky I had been. If the infection had gotten into my blood stream, I could have died.

While at home I was still on antibiotics for another week (tablets) and had to check in with the doctor at infectious diseases. I found that I was quite weak and I was having trouble feeding my daughter again. On a couple of occasions I had nearly fainted and realised that I still had to take things easy. Thankfully my mum was still staying with us and she was able to help out. I did end up in emergency one night because I was feeling really ill. It turned out that I was quite dehydrated and put on drip to get my fluids up and then I was fine. It probably took another few weeks to fully recover from the infection.

Over this period, my daughter had gotten rather attached to the bottle and it was difficult to re-establish breastfeeding. At about 12 weeks, I gave up and put her on formula full-time. I feel like I didn't really have a choice, I didn't have the energy to keep trying and she was much more settled on the bottle than the boob anyway. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

MRSA (Golden Staph) Infection

The chiropractor diagnosed our daughter has having back and neck issues, as with our son and after taking her on a regular basis for the first few weeks, she did settle down somewhat and I was able to enjoy her. She was feeding well and I was enjoying breastfeeding her, unlike with my son. She was a very happy little baby and starting smiling at around 6 weeks, she was a real delight. I was up feeding twice during the night, so was quite tired, but overall coping quite well. I had stopped seeing the counsellor, but was still seeing the clinical psych and having hypnotherapy on a somewhat regular basis (ie. fortnightly).

When our daughter was around 7 weeks old, I stepped out of the shower one night and passed a blood clot on the floor (sorry to gross you out....). I thought this a bit odd, but had been feeling fine overall, so I rang the hospital where I gave birth and mentioned what had happened. They suggested I come in, so I packed up the kids and headed to the hospital that day. They booked me in for an internal ultrasound for the next week and took some blood.

At the ultrasound, I had both kids with me, so my son just sat next to me while I had the ultrasound and a nurse had my daughter as she started to squawk a bit in the capsule. It took about 15 minutes and I was told nothing, but to make another appointment with the doctor, which I did. They didnt tell me if they had found anything.

At the appointment with the doctor, I was told really confusing information. They kind of told me that I had an infection and they needed to treat this, but they weren't sure what with, then they said that I had to have a DNC (which is basically my uterus scraped out) as they thought that there might be something leftover from the birth in there, but they weren't really sure of that either, but I needed this to happen ASAP, like the next day. I had to start taking medication that afternoon, but the medication wasn't ready, so I had to go home and then come back to pick this up (yay....just what I need with 2 kids). I made arrangements with my husband so that he could take the following day off as I needed to have this DNC which was just for the day, so he could look after the kids. I was confused about the medication and the effects this may have on my daughter due to breastfeeding, but I has told that it was safe, which is why they were having trouble finding the right one to give me to start with.

So the following day my husband and kids took me into the hospital and dropped me off for the surgery (DNC). When I woke up after the surgery, I was in recovery and I could hear nurses talking and I figured it was about me and I started thinking, what the hell happened, did I have a hysterectomy or something. I was told nothing and wheeled into my room, where I found my husband and kids waiting. When I arrived in the room, I looked at my husband and said - Do you know what happened, did I have a hysterectomy? He said, didnt they tell you and I said, no what the hell happened. He then told me that I had a MRSA infection in my uterus or golden staph infection and it had nearly eaten a hole through my uterus and while they were scrapping out birth remnants, they put a hole in my uterus, so they had to go through my bellybutton to fix the hole. I was shocked, but kind of relieved that it wasnt a hysterectomy, but that did explain why I felt like a train wreck, I couldnt really move, couldnt walk, I was in quite a bit of pain. My husband also mentioned that I was going to be in hospital for about 5 days on intravenous drugs, they just werent quite sure what at this stage.

Our poor daughter was screaming by this stage because she was soooo hungry. My husband had asked the nurses to get her a bottle so she could have something to eat. I couldnt do anything, I had no idea what was happening. Finally a bottle came and my husband fed her. Reality was starting to sink in and I was thinking, how am I going to feed her, I can hardly move, I cant have her in here with me, I was starting to feel quite devastated and started crying. My husband took the kids home and I was left in the hospital not really knowing what was happening. I had several doctors come and see me and try to explain what had happened and more importantly what was going to happen. I broke down on several occasions as the drugs they were giving me were the most potent of antibiotics you can get as MRSA infection is hard to kill. I wanted to breastfeed my daughter, but couldnt. Eventually, I had a doctor from infectious diseases come and see me and explain what MRSA is and about the antibiotics. Basically I was told that they were probably safe for my baby, but if I had a choice, I probably shouldnt feed her. Now, I was devastated.

I rang my mum in tears and asked her to fly over and help my husband out while I was in hospital. This she did and jumped on a plane and came over the next day. My husband had to organise bottles and formula for our daughter and take some time off work to sort things out. I was left in a sterile quarantine room on intravenous anti-biotics. The nurses that came into my room were wearing gowns and masks. I felt very sad and alone. I wanted to keep feeding my daughter after this was all over, so I pumped my milk every 4 hours and threw it out. I now felt like a cow, both boobs hanging out on a pump, yay.....could my life get any better!!! My milk supply slowly reduced over the 5 - 7 days I was in hospital and it was heartbreaking to pump about 100 - 180ml on each side and then throw it down the sink.

I passed my days watching movies and reading books. My family came to see me every day which was great, but exhausting at the same time, I couldnt hold my daughter because of the pain and our son just got bored, so their stay was generally fairly short.

My mum stayed with us for a couple of weeks and was still at home to help out when I came out of hospital after about a week.

Birth of our second child

At about 36 weeks pregnant I was ready for the baby to come out. At each checkup, I prayed that I would have high blood pressure or something that they could induce the baby. I was sick of waiting, I had heaps of fluid retention, something I never had with my first, but it was always the same, everything is fine, go home. I was still in la la land about having another baby, I was really looking forward to going to the hospital (not actually having the baby!) but being able to lie down and have a rest for a few days, have someone else cook my meals and look after me for a change!

At 38 weeks, I asked a friend of mine who practices chinese medicine to do some acupuncture on me to help get things moving. Unfortunately, the only thing moving was the fluid, she couldnt believe that there was fluid leaking from my feet where she took the needles out. I think I had put on about 20kg and figured I was going to need some serious help to get back into shape once I had this baby.

In the end I had to wait the full 40 weeks; our daughter was born exactly on her due date. Thankfully, I had a great birth (as far as births go...), I won't go into the gory details, but we were over the moon. A son and now a daughter, awesome, she was just beautiful. We didn't find out the sex of either of our children. I needed some sort of surprise and it didnt matter to me either way.

Both of my children were born in a public hospital, so I was in a shared room, even though I had asked for a private one. I guess thats the chance you take, it was a twin room. Our daughter was born around 3am, so it was early morning when we got to our room, so not much chance of sleep. I had forgotten how noisy hospitals were and I had been delusional about having a rest with a newborn. My daughter took to breastfeeding quite well, so this was a great relief, I figured that at least she was feeding well, that was a start as my milk had come in really early (compared to the first time around). Unfortunately, she didnt settle well and just when I had gotten her to sleep in the crib, most times the other baby would start crying and wake her up, so it became a bit of a no win situation. I either ended up pacing the hallway with my daughter or having her in my bed with me, which was just awkward and I got no rest this way. I also found the midwives to be not that helpful this time around. I don't know whether it was because this was my second child or they didnt have the time. By the second day, I had had enough. I wanted to go home and more importantly, I wanted to get my daughter to a chiropractor ASAP. I was sick of pacing the hallways all night and not getting any help. On the second night, I had a janitor come up to me and offer to take my daughter to try and calm her as I had been trying for over an hour, with no effect, even though they are not allowed to do this. I was desperate and really didnt care at the time, who took my daughter. I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. In the end I found a midwife in the office and asked if I could check myself out, I think it was 5am and she arranged the paperwork so I could go home first thing in the morning. Meanwhile, no-one helped me with my daughter, I was literally on my own. I figured I might as well go home and get some help from my parents who were staying with us.

I checked out of hospital on that morning (day 3) and got an appointment for my daughter with my chiropractor that afternoon, she was just 2 days old.

Reaching out for help...

You may have guessed, I'm not the type of person that asks for help. I generally struggle through until I can find a solution myself. I figure its my problem, I should be able to solve it. I guess that was OK when it was just me as I was the only one hurting, but now I have a family and they are being hurt because of me and that's not fair. So I go and see my GP and tell him that I'm not coping and feel like I just want to walk away from my life and that I have had thoughts of suicide, but nothing really concrete, just a fleeting thought that my life would be so much easier if I wasn't in it. This starts a ball rolling and a week or so after my GP visit, I have a social worker come to my house to assess me for depression. I am asked a heap of questions and she watches me interact with my son for a couple of hours. From our discussions, I don't think she thinks I have depression, but that I am quite overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment and she suggests that I get some help with my son and his separation anxiety, which I agree to do. She will write a recommendation to this effect.

A few weeks later I have an appointment to see a clinical psych for me and my son. I am now about 3 or 4 months pregnant or somewhere around there. I'm generally looking forward to talking to someone about my son and how to handle his behaviour and get some advice. After talking to the clinical psych, I didn't really feel like I had any answers. We talked about what was happening in my life at the time and the difficulties I was facing with my son, but I was not provided with any specific help per se about how to handle his behaviour right now. I felt a little deflated, but agreed to continue the sessions on a weekly basis. The psych said that I would work out the best way to deal with my son and we could discuss this at our weekly sessions. I figured I had no-where else to go at the time, so I may as well stick with it.

I also knew that I had to find some help for myself, because I could feel myself sinking. My moods were starting to get out of control and my relationship with my husband was becoming quite strained. I decided to seek help by seeing a counsellor, at this stage I was about 7 months pregnant, so I started a 12 week program where I spoke with a counsellor once a week. We worked on cognitive behaviour to help me deal with my external environment. I was struggling big time living in our new house and in the new area, which I hated on a daily basis and lashed out at my family as my way of coping, which I knew was not healthy for any of us. I found that the counselling helped as it opened my eyes up to a new way of looking at things, but I still found myself struggling when I came back to my reality, my house, my life and my misery.

I decided to try hypnotherapy as this had worked for me in the past, so I figured it might help this time around as my counsellor and clinical psych were a little concerned for how I was going to look after a newborn in a few months in my current state, which wasn't great. I was still in denial and figured I would handle things when they came along. I was also still in fantasy land and dreamed of holding my newborn and nursing and rocking them and then watching them sleep, yadda yadda yadda. I wasn't thinking of the reality side of things, no sleep, constant screaming, juggling two kids, etc.. etc... I was still in la la land. I was about 8 months pregnant when I started hypnotherapy sessions. So I was now seeing a counsellor, clinical psych and a hypno guy on a regular basis. My weeks were very busy, but it helped past the time, knowing I had somewhere to go and something to do. It helped take my mind off my miserable life (as I knew it) and get me out of the house I hated.